My First Blog

Can it be true? I never understood these things and swore I would never, ever get one! Here I am! Out of desperation, I suppose, I can either be on bedrest (again) and hate it, or can try to make my life as meaningful as possible.

With that, there are a zillion little things that run through my head every second of the day that I cannot explain or even remember at this point. So maybe, just maybe, I can catch up on "me" time while I try to stay positive about the baby and her health, have a break from Blake while he is at school, have a break from Joe while he is at work, and not worry about what is going to happen in 3 hours or tomorrow or next week.... just for a few seconds.

So here I am. 30 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I swore this would not happen again. I swore to everyone that Blake was "it". I swore that I would never, ever be put through what I was with him. Being put on bedrest with him at 24 weeks and delivering at 28 was not in the cards. Ironic thing is... I knew the entire time I was having problems with him in 1999, when everyone else was worried and scared for Blake, I knew that he was OK and no matter when he came out he would be OK, he would be healthy. But still, I swore that I would not put myself through what I went through that night when I delivered... 12 weeks early and when I got to see him afterwards, they warned me about the tubes and wires and crap, they warned me that he looked bad, they warned me it looked worse than it was... said was completely fine, they said he was doing great. But I still couldn't help going in there and breaking down, so much so, that they had to escort me out of the NICU, after they picked me up off the floor. Nobody can prepare you for that. Nobody can reassure you, your eyes don't lie.

After gaining a couple of more pounds, getting over jaundice, not wanting to eat on his own, bells and sirens and shit going off in the incubator, finally eating on his own... after 5 long weeks, he was finally able to come home. Healthy.


And here I am again. Situations and life completely different than when I was 19, but never thought the day would come again that a baby would find her way into my tummy. Why would God pick my tummy? I'm thankful for my life, know I have been blessed with many things. But I am still here, trying to figure out all the crap that runs through my head! Will I be as lucky with a healthy baby this time around? Will something go wrong? Not to mention how will I ever be "enough" for her when my only concern in life the past 6 years has been Blake? Is there enough love in my heart for them to share? Will it be equal? Will she grow up thinking her brother had all my love and thats the reason she ended up so messed up? How can I possibly give her all that I have given to Blake? Oh the things that I worry about...

Time will tell I suppose. For now, I have to concentrate on staying horizontal, drinking lots of water, trying to remain positive, and doing what I can to make sure Blake is taken care of also. Its been a long road so far, but I am smart enough to know that the road I have taken is short... there are a lot more turns, a lot more long strecthes, a few forks that lay ahead.